


Lovers War.

by Tarkana



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 00:57:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/768123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tarkana/pseuds/Tarkana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two months before their 11th year anniversary, Adam's long time boyfriend leaves. As a struggling artisit with no support Adam sinks into a depression; giving up his dream and finding comfort in the arms of booze. </p><p>Where will his life lead him now. And who is the mysterious stranger making him breakfast in the morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End

The rain continued to pour as it always did this time of year, but it seemed worse than usual. Perhaps from the heartbreak, ten years he had been by my side, ten years cleaning up my mess and keeping me grounded. He had always been there to help me through everything and now as the rain poured i was reminded of the night he left me, it was raining than too. Lightning had lit up everything in a bright white and the thunder vibrated throughout the home we lived in together. 

 

"Evening babe, how was work?" He always asked me but he never really cared. 

"Good, the usual" I smiled at him before leaning in to place a chaste kiss upon his lips. I should have known then something wasn't right. He didn't return the kiss, no smile, just a split second flash of uncertainty had crossed his features. At the time i had ignored it looking at the table he had set for two, my favourite wine sat in the middle of the table and my stomach growled as i became aware of the aroma that filled the home from the food being cooked. 

 

"What's the occasion" I inquired hoping i hadn't forgotten something important, "Not that i'm complaining, this is a great way to come home" The last time i had come home to a home cooked meal this great had been our anniversary but that wasn't for another two months. 

 

"No occasion, just dinner" He had hesitated slightly but i was too tired to realize at the time. The dinner had been great, full of flavour and he had prepared all my favourite foods. 

"ok look, We need to talk" And there it was, the one sentence that made every single thing you did flash through your mind at top speed hoping you could figure out where the conversation was going to go. It was also the reason behind everything, the lack of emotion in the kiss, the hesitations, the dinner. 

"Sure baby" what else was i to say?

"Please, don't 'baby' me, i just... i cant take it anymore, You're hardly ever home and well i want to do something with my life, something more." 

"Sometime more?" I was confused, and i wasn't sure what else to say. 

"Look. I'm just going to say it, i joined the army. I leave tomorrow" He got up from the table then, picking up a bag near the door i hadn't noticed before and left. I quickly shook off the shock at what just happened after the door had closed shut behind him, i re-evaluated the last week in my mind, the signs had been there although little; the closet wasn't as full, the flyers which i had thought to be junk mail that weren't thrown out and he always went to sleep after me and was awake before i got up, he was withdrawn and all along i had thought it was just him being tired but unable to sleep due to insomnia or something. That night i left all the dinner dishes on the table, i was in no mood to clean, all my usual habits slipped that night as i wondered around looking at all the little changes. 

 

'he's not coming back, he's gone' I could feel my eyes tearing up as i would notice the lack our favourite movie from our bookcase of movies, and the book that was no longer on the coffee table. My finger caught in a grove that had been made when he had thrown me against the wall, my work bag hitting the table causing the book in my bag to dent it slightly. But one of the biggest things i noticed was that a box was on our - no, now my - bed with all the knick-knacks i had given him over the course of the years, the bullet necklace i gave him on our third year, the spiked belt from last year, and the demo recording disk i had spent the last year creating that i was going to give him this year, he must have found it when he was slowly cleaning out the place of his belongings. 

 

"You can do it Adam, You're a talented singer. Your voice is breath taking and it's an honour to listen to you sing" 

"You really think so baby? You think i could be a singer? I could travel the world and support us both" i laughed as he handed me the whiskey he had bought. 

"Of course! Sing for me now?" 

"You want me to sing now?" I laughed again bending down and placing a sloppy wet kiss. His arms wrapped around my neck pulling me closer, deeper but with the drinking we weren't very stable and we fell backwards off the picnic table we were sitting at. The kiss broke as we both started laughing.

"I think, I love you Adam, forever. And when you make your first album i'm going to be the first to buy it. Your number one fan" 

"I love you too" I answered pulling a leaf from his blond hair. "God you're stunning, how did i get so lucky." 

 

I sat on my bed holding the recording i had begged my 'company' which was actually just a little studio a friend created in his mothers basement, but still i begged him to let me take the copy. The first cd i ever made for my number one fan, who had supported me for 10 - almost 11 - years who helped me past ever big red rejected stamp i received from the actual recording companies.

 

"You promised forever, you promised to buy my album" My voice cracked as the dam broke and i was wracked with sobs, curling up and rolling onto my bed in the fatal position i clutched the cd to my chest and just cried. This was the end and i no longer had the encouragement or motivation to keep me going, one more rejection on my songs and i knew i'd give up completely.


	2. Wake up Call

I had spent days just sitting at home, three days without sleep, eight without a shower and I had long since lost count of how long it had been since i had been outside or saw another living soul. My phone had rung a few times the first few days and got more frequent however even that had stopped. I was completely alone and to be honest, i wasn't sure i liked it or how to break it. 

"Dude pick up, i know you're there don't make me come down there!" *beep*  
"Adam, Honey, i know you're busy but call me. We worry and miss you" Thanks mum.  
"Dude seriously grow a set of balls! You're better than this."  
"Dude your mum called me, shes worried about you."  
"Adam, Not cool man, looks like i'll have to come down after all" Yeah right. 

Terrence had been one of my longest friends but he was busy and didn't exactly live next door. These kind of calls went on for a few days, they were always the same and i never answered one. 

"Sorry Sir, you can't go in there."  
"Watch me, i know he's inside so it's not like i'm entering someone else's home when they're not in."

I heard the sound of the door knob being tried before the click of a key sliding home in the lock. If i hadn't recognized the voice of my landlord Mike arguing with Terrence the key being used gave it away. I had given Terrence a key years ago so he could help me with a surprise for him, I took him out for a fun night out, a few clubs, a movie and a walk through the park where we had first met; Terrence had slipped into the loft after we left and laid out the rose petals, lit a few candles and prepared the table with dinner i had cooked previously, cleshay perhaps, but it was something he loved, the sweet romantic gestures. So Terrence had come after all and Mike had stopped yelling at him after he used the key. I knew right away when he had entered by the sharp intake of breath; I just hopped Mike hadn't come in with him. 

"Shit dude, I knew i should have come earlier." I saw him cringe slightly as he spotted me. "Dude, Ew" It was all he had to say before i felt him dragging me into the bathroom and i knew exactly what he wanted me to do. He took the liberty to strip me of my shirt before grabbing the brush from the counter and ripping it through my hair; which hadn't been brushed since he left. The pain as hair was ripped out caused me a bit of a shock, the first feeling i had felt since the pain of him leaving, i welcomed it. Loving the irony of the pain being the first thing i felt in two weeks when it was the pain that had stopped me feeling in the first place. Terrence turned the shower on testing it quickly before demanding i get in as he left closing the door behind him. I heard things being moved around or thrown into a bag, it seemed he was cleaning my flat while i was supposed to be taking a shower. 

Sighing I peaked into the mirror, i couldn't be that bad, i was wrong. My hair didn't have a single strand going in the same direction, it was easy to see i'd lost weight and my eyes looked dull, haunted, the bags made me look puffy eyed and they were bloodshot. I shuttered at the stranger looking back at me from the glass, he was dark, shallow looking and a ghost of who i once was. turning from the mirror i stepped into my shower a little hotter then i usually liked my showers but the heat felt great on my body i hadn't realized how sore i was or how much my body had tensed up. I stretched accepting the pain from my muscles as i tried to work out the kinks within my body. 

By the time i had emerged, a towel wrapped around my waist and the bright red streams showing the track the water had taken over my chest and back. Terrence had done a massive power clean. Even what little dishes i had used were washed and put away. 

"It's a start" I heard him say as he walk to where i stood. I didn't know if he meant the work on the flat he had just done or my cleaning i had done in the shower. Either way as long as Terrence was by my side i knew there was no slipping back into my depression; he was here to kick it in the ass and drag me along with it - willingly or not. "Here put some clothes on. I don't wanna see that" I looked down at the towel which had started to loosen slightly in my movement from the bathroom to my bedroom, he had thrown one of my faded dark jeans at me and a simple black muscle shirt, nothing fancy , in fact not something i would under normal circumstances wear out. But this was not up for debate, Terrence was in charge and i was still trying to get back into well moving let alone everything else. 

"first stop, the strip. As in the mall, you need a pick me up and new clothes that will fit your malnourished skinny ass, because tonight we hit the clubs" Terrence smiled at me before picking up my keys, tossing my shoes at me and heading for the door. "My car, downstairs in five minutes you hear?" and with that he was out the door. I looked around, the place was spotless, i couldn't have been in the shower more then maybe twenty minutes and yet its like i was keeping the place up and life had continued for the last two weeks - well outside it certainly had but inside - well its amazing what people can make believe.


	3. Breaking the Habit

Shopping for clothing to 'fit my malnurished ass' as Terrence so lightly put was more then just that. We had hit probably ten different stores, three shoe places and a salon. Apparently Terrence's ass kicking was for me to spend all my money i had saved up and even some of his. 

"Damn, someone is starting to look good again" After each stop when we had baught something Terrence had shoved me into the nearest washroom to change into whatever it was we had gotten. I had set out in basically my 'laundry day' clothing only to now be walking around in tight black fake leather pants that left little to the imagination, and a leopard print shirt with a black vest. With my hair and nails done i was starting to look and feel a bit like my old self - at least on the outside. I was kind of like my loft, Empty but cleaned up, showing a working home. 

I dont know exactly what Terrence had planned tonight, beyond what he had stated previously, shopping and a club. Not that I was in the hope to really do much socializing of any kind but I was a good actor; I'd show up, have a few drinks, slip out to come back home after Terrence gets dragged away by some individual, and no one would be the wiser. It was a solid plan, however one that didnt take into account Terrence's overly determined will. 

"Hey, Dark, handsome and good looking"  
"Get lost buddy, I'm here with my friend so unless you got something for him. I'm not interested" 

All night, Terrence showed no interest in any of the guys or women that threw themselves at him. He was by my side the whole night unless someone was there for me that he deamed worthy during those two occassions he would slip away or turn as if he was just another person at the bar table. So much for slipping out unnoticed. 

"What about him" He pointed out someone across the room, he was somewhat small, cute and surrounded by a group of people. Obviously loved or at least one of the more wanted guys at the bar. I wasn't going to tell Terrence that i had already Eyed this beauty.  
"I dunno Terrence, i mean really i shouldnt be here..."  
"No this is exactly where you need to be" He cut me off. I sighed taking another sip of the drink, I dont even remember what i was drinking anymore, they just kept coming, i was on my eight or maybe ninth drink by this point, and slightly - ok maybe more then slightly - drunk.  
"Go say hi" Terrence pushed me from the stool i had been sitting on. Sighing i looked at Terrence, he had a smirk on his face and i could see the lights reflecting in his eyes.  
"No, no i dont think i will. We're both trashed. I'm going home, and you're coming with me"  
"Whoa man, i love you really but im not sleeping with you" I shook my head at Terrences out break.  
"you see my point? We're not all here anymore." I downed the last of my drink before turning and walking towards the door sparing one last look at the beauty across the room, he might have been looking elsewhere but i felt a shiver course over me at the thought that he was looking at me, he lifted his hand, rubbing it through his hair and it looked like he said 'hi' before he looked away, laughing at something someone around him had said.  
"You weren't here to begin with" Terrence muttered before sending a quick look to the blond across the bar, he had obviously seen Adam at some point because as Adam's back was turned heading for the door his eyes followed Adam's movement. There was definitely something there and next it was getting Adam back to the bar so they could meet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is such a short chapter! I promise that Ch.4 will be a bit longer and more juicey ;)


	4. New Beginnings

That night Terrence had crashed on the couch, he was sure that if he left i would fall back into a slump and not leave my house again. To be truthful he was probably right, although i found myself drawn to wanting to go back to the bar - so unlike me. But there was something in the way the guy moved, the little smile and the way his hand stroked through his hair that made me wonder if he really did have eyes for me, and i wouldn't admit it to anyone else, i don't think even i fully accepted it yet myself, but my subconscious haunted my dreams with thoughts of this tan, blonde stranger. I wondered how he would taste on my tongue, how soft was his hair and to stare into his piercing ice blue eyes that sparkled and lit up while he laughed. I vowed to myself to act like i used to, forcing Terrence to believe i had become ok but not enough of myself to make it seem like i had healed overnight. I knew that wouldn't fly.

"Hey Terrence, want to go out for breakfast?"  
"Huh? uh sure why not."  
"There is this amazing little cafe..." I stopped myself short.  
"You went there with him didn't you? No we'll go to Dennies, You're starting to heal don't force it" Terrence smiled at me, It was working. It was enough truth mixed with hurt and healing - progress as Terrence would call it. I nodded slightly giving him a little smile in return before turning and heading towards my room to get dressed.

The restaurant was quant, relaxing and homely. The walls were lined with various pieces of artwork, local painters and they had a light blue wall which almost made it seem like you were outside looking up at the sky on a bright summer morning. The tables had white lacy cloths dangling down towards the light tan plush carpet.

"Good Morning Gentleman, May i get you a drink to start with?" I smiled up at the young man, he was tall, pale, his hair clearly died black and cut uniquely - half saved with other side long hanging over his eyes, a beautiful honey brown. He was handsome, strong and upon looking closely possibly a little rebellious and exciting. You could see a faint lining of smokey eye shadow and guy-liner possibly left over from the night before.

"Uh, water is fine" I turned to Terrence who was smirking slightly eyeing us both. I could see the wheels turning in his mind as he ordered his usual diet coke before turning back to his menu. The guy nodded before placing the pen behind his ear and my eyes followed his movement, catching a glint as the light hit an industrial piercing he had as well as four other rings going down his ear.

"Something catch your interest love?" I shook my head turning back to Terrence.  
"Not at all, just surprised, he's obviously very opposite to this place. Like he should be a band member or a punk kid, maybe gothic. I just wasn't expecting that kind of server"  
"uh huh" Terrence smiled and i saw him holding back a laugh as he put the menu down. "So know what you're ordering? The Benedictine eggs looks amazing."  
I shrugged my shoulders picking up my menu, i wasn't overly hungry but i knew i had started the front i had to continue it.  
"Yeah sure does, maybe i'll get that too, oh i know, i think i'll try the Brie and Mushrooms Eggs Benedict"

I closed up the menu placing it on top of his, the young man returned carrying two drinks in one hand plus a jar of water in the other. He placed the water down first between us then placed the diet coke in front of Terrence and my glass of water in front of me. I had managed to continue staring down as he set the table but looked up smiling when my water was placed.  
"Thank you"  
"You're welcome, are you ready to order" He hadn't looked at Terrence since placing his drink down, I noticed his name badge, hoping it wasn't obvious that i was reading it.  
"Uh, Yes, my friend would like the Benedictine Egg, and i'll just get the Brie and Mushrooms Eggs Benedict" I was sure my face was flushing red, i could feel it heating as he continued to look at me, nodding he smiled.  
"Great choices, i'll be back in a few with your food" he picked up the menus and went back to the kitchens.

Our food arrived fairly fast, probably fifteen, twenty minutes tops. It smelled amazing and my stomach gave a low growl reminding me that i really hadn't eaten much solid food in so long. I could feel my mouth beginning to water as i cut into my egg, placing it into my mouth i had to hold back a moan. The way it melted on my tongue and the flavour of the holiday sauce on the eggs was to die for, i somehow managed to eat the whole meal, i was rather shocked at myself given that i hadnt eatten a large meal in the two weeks, just enough to get me by.

As we finished up, Terrence went and paid for the meal, he wouldnt hear me about paying for my part or the whole thing. It was his treat and he wouldnt have it any other way, and to be honest, i was in no real care to argue, i just wanted to make him happy with where i was at so he could go back to his life. I was old enough i didnt need a babysitter. 

"I'm proud of you Adam. You're doing great, i knew the bar scene would help you out of your slump" I nodded at Terrence, we were heading home, the sun was shining bright and it was only mid morning yet, it was supposed to be a beautiful day from what i heard and a part of me wanted to enjoy it, walk through the park maybe go for a bike ride but a much larger part of me cried inside as i turned into the bitter loney heartbroken fool i had been. My eyes stung from the light after being indoors for two weeks, my mind reminded me that i used to walk hand in hand with him or bike the paths side by side, how we would stop and get ice cream before continuing or even have a small picnic hidden behind the bushes along the waters edge by the parks stream. So many memories played through my mind; but i walked with Terrence a smile upon my face and a song in my heart. 

".... so i signed you up, cool?" I stopped turning back at Terrence as he looked at me with a questioning look.   
"Uh sorry what?"   
"Yeah i didnt think you were listening. Look, i said that there is auditions coming up, you should sign up, Forget the end goal of a record deal and just make yourself known for singing."  
"Like American Idol and stuff you mean?"  
"Thats what im talking about yeah!"   
"I'll think about it" Nodding i turned walking again as Terrence ran and caught up with me. 

We made it back to my place and i spotted a pile of brown envelops on a stand inside my door, a red stamp reading Confidential was across most of them. 

"Oh yeah, those were piled up in your mailbox i brought them in the other day" 

I thanked him before grabbing the stack. I had seen these envelops many times previously, and as they always had i felt the weight of them, who knew a few simple pieces of paper could feel like a ton of weight, words typed that would sting like a hundred knives driving into your heart. Sighing i turned the first one over, ripping at it as i pulled the paper out.


	5. Taking Chances

July 23  
Dear Mr. Lambert, 

We would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your resent submission of your demo.

We can tell that have a lot of potential and believe that you will go far, with that we wish to extend our congratulations on your first demo disc, that is usually the hardest part of getting started in this line of work. 

That being said we would like to extend the offer of a trial basis without our recording studio to see if you could be a proper fit, our only requirement is that you respond within 30 days of this letter and should you take up this offer i can promise that we will work towards a better sound and more emotion within your lyrics. 

Again congratulations and we look forward to working with you in the near future. 

Jacob Recordings

~*~ 

I looked over the letter a good three times just to make sure i was reading it correctly. After so many rejected letters I stopped hoping, i didn't hand any of my demo disc's out so i still refused to get my hopes to high up but if someone else had leaked one of my demos - and i had an idea who may have done it; only two others had the disc - then this was an honest to god interest in working with me, in getting my own record company, a proper album and the biggest step into making it huge. I spotted Terrence standing by the door still watching me, i smiled up at him. 

"I was accepted to Jacob Recordings" I held out the letter to him so he could see, I still had three other envelops in my lap that i had yet to open, and a stack of rejected letters crumpled up beside my chair. I quickly opened the last few scanning them over quickly, two more rejections - no surprise there - and the last showing interest in me as an artist but commenting that lyrics were not my strong suit and therefore they would see about getting me someone to compose them and id only need to sing 'todays day and age' and all that. I wasn't overly thrilled with the last offer, although the one Terrence was holding was along the same lines of needing to change up the lyrics, they were willing to work with me to better them, meaning they were still my lyrics, my words and thoughts. 

"So you're going to say yes right?" I looked at him again as i sat the second acceptance letter down.   
"I don't know, i mean, its a trial basis so wouldn't be signing my life away, and they want to work with me to better myself and all but at the same time how do I know if this is real?" 

The rest of the week went by fairly quickly, Terrence had slowly started to arrange for his travel home while i continue to pretend i was better, the problem was that the more i pretended the more i believed i truly was getting better. I looked forward to doing things again, we spent one day just searching and looking into Jacob records and after all the information we found it was safe to say that it was a completely honest company, since this came to light i found myself leaning more and more towards signing with them. The problem was they wanted more honest, heartfelt and emotional lyrics which ment tapping into the past few weeks during my mending period. 

As Sunday hit Terrence kissed my cheek smiling at me, he had only been down ten days but it was just enough that i managed to get back on my feet with a high reality slap, while i stayed locked up in my depression the world continued to rotate and i had missed some things - though very few - and my chances were passing me by, as i wished him safe travels and sent him off with a hug i caught site of the acceptance letters, still sitting on the end table near the door, we hadnt done anything with them beyond look into the company.

"Text me when you make it home, Say hi to everyone for me"   
"Of course, they always enjoy hearing from you. Take care of yourself, continue going forward and keep in touch" Nodding i smiled at him while he turned grabbing his bag and heading for his car parked out front. I closed the door, locking it behind him out of habit and looked at the letter, Jacob records - bettering myself - honest record deal. I carried the letter to my computer at the far corner of my loft opening the web browser and going to Google - looking up Jacob Records contact details - this was it, i was really going to sign on with a recording label. 

"Mr. Lambert, thank you for calling I take it our letter found you well."   
"Yes thank you, I am calling to inquire on a meeting to discuss the recording label"   
"Certainly, Please hold the line while i put you through to Ms. Jane Delaney she'll be happy to arrange a time to have someone meet with you."   
"Thank you" 

I had to force myself from hanging up as my nerves took over, part of me still believed it was a huge prank pulled by a friend, as i waited the top 10 music songs played, interrupted every few minutes with a double beep before finally a lady spoke on the line, 

"Thank you for holding Mr. Lambert, I understand you'd like to arrange a meeting?" She didn't sound much older then a child, she was bubbly, chipper and high pitched but professional and something told me to take her seriously.   
"Yes please, Do you have anytime in the next few days?" I heard her sigh slightly before chuckling a little  
"Of course let me take a look, we are a fairly busy company so...."   
"yes of course, whenever is next available will be fine" I hoped my desperation wouldn't show in my voice as i waited for her to check the availability, inside i felt that if i didn't take the chance now and soon it would slip away from me.   
"We have next Tuesday at two available"   
"Next Tuesday, as in two days from now?" I breathed out, almost daring not to hope however at her answering 'yes' i realized that i had been holding my breath.   
"sounds perfect, Where shall i meet uhhh..." I suddenly realized how lost i was in the world of music, i had no idea who i was meeting, where or really why, I had no clue how this world functioned.   
"Mr. Rilely will meet you at Cafe Roseh over at the corner of Duke and Strange, i recommend you not be late and show up in something decent, causal but smart"   
I nodded before remembering i was on the phone, i verbally acknowledged her, repeating the last of her message to show i understood and thanking her for the tip. As i hung up the phone I realized that the nerves i had felt prior to the phone call was nothing compared to how i now felt. 

I wasn't sure what to expect but as i looked in my closet, i realized nothing would work, i wanted to give off the impression that i was willing to do what needed to be done while still maintaining my personal image and being professional, I was willing to learn and change so long as i was still me, meaning i needed to look sharp, professional, me and a little wild which concluded one main thing - it was time to hit the malls and buy a new wardrobe that would fit and display me properly, it was a huge step i realized, as it was the first time in almost three weeks i was about to venture into the world on my own. Terrence would be proud.


	6. Starting Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YIKES! So sorry for the delay, between my first trip to New York, working two jobs and family issues i've been sooo busy. Thank you all so much for waiting I'd keep going but i don't want to keep you waiting any long and so without further ado ...

Hitting a lot of the same stores, I grabbed a few hundred dollars worth of new items, ones that fit my slightly smaller frame. As i headed back home i stopped by the same bar Terrance had taken me to just a few nights prior, the lights were dimmed and there was no music coming from inside, a white sign attached to the door stated that doesn't open until after Ten at night, I spent a few minutes just looking, debating on if i would return or not. I didn't feel it was the best course of action to getting over him but at the same time i couldn't stop thinking of that one person i had seen just previously. The way he moved, the blonde hair, the tanned skin and his smile, lets not forget those piercingly haunting blue eyes either. He was petite but his presence easily filled the room. Sighing i turned noticing the cafe from the other night just a few doors down, hiking my packages further up my arms i turned heading home ignoring the urge to go inside the cafe to see the porcelain god inside. I did however entertain the thought of seeking him out with my eyes as i passed by, smiling as he looked up just as i passed the window. 

Yes i still thought about him, after all the years it would forever be part of who i was however it was obvious that i wasn't faking anymore, i was getting over him even slightly as i set out, i had two guys on my radar, and i vowed to myself that i would get to know at least one of them hopefully long term. 

As i opened the door to my flat i dropped my bags on the couch inside the door, a red button flashed on my phone informing me i had a missed call. Choosing to ignore it, i turned heading for the washroom, I hadn't been outside long, bit it was humid and whether true or not it felt like my clothing was sticking to me, drenched in sweat; I had the urge to shower, i needed to freshen up if i was to get out into the world and meet new people. And right now, between that and expressing my emotions for the world to hear - it was the lesser of the two evils. I would deal with their world when the time came and my world made more sense to me; we understood each other better, meshing without force.

Resting my hands against the cool ceramic tiles i closed my eyes letting the warm water splash against the knots in my shoulder blades, i sighed as i recalled days when he would slide in behind me, his hands would wrap around my waist as he leaned in kissing the nape of my neck once, twice, a few more times before finally trailing his hands up my lower back massaging the aches from my whole being before turning me and capturing my lips in a heated kiss, passionate and deep but never demanding or forceful. I shivered as i realized the water had turn cold, I was thankful for the spray as i turned the heat up rubbing at my eyes, swiping the water from them - i refused to acknowledge them as tears. I was healing, i was hurt but i was alive and on a new path and i was going to do it without him; tears had no place in this new world. And i needed a drink. 

Quickly i finished the rest of my shower, the faster i got out of there the less likely i was to remember something else, a habit, a feeling, a thought; I was supposed to be ignoring those triggers dealing with my world not my emotions. I grabbed by towel off the hanging rack throwing it around my waist allowing the water to drip off me i headed into my room where i had thrown all the bags from my earlier shopping spree. Digging through i grab a grey snake skin muscle shirt and a pair of faded black jeans; cutting them off at the knees. Raking my hands through my hair i looked into the vanity mirror in the corner of my room before grabbing my brush and styling it without much thought in the way he used to like and headed for the door. 

The club was a stuffy and loud and i recalled it to be from the previous visit. Bodies meshed together, sweaty and stinky. I cringed my nose slightly before smiling up at the bar tender; she was cute - long black hair, make up perhaps a little too dark but with her piercings and tattoos it suited her. 

"What can i get ya love"   
"Whatever is your strongest concoction" She raised her eyebrow at me before nodding, I wasn't here to socialize or to really drink, i was here to forget, and the quickest way to forget the better. 

"Wrong move doll" I turned looking at who was speaking to me; at first glance i couldn't tell if the individual was male or female, upon closer inspection i could see features that would indicate the latter.

"i'm sorry?"

She nodded her head towards the bar maiden who had her back to us mixing something

"wrong move, You don't tell Tonya to make the strongest drink for you. Not if you want to walk out of here in one piece over waking up in the bathroom with god knows what on you" She chuckled a little, coughing slightly. She was clearly a smoker - or had been at one point in her life, She seemed older, and had not aged well but under the layers of make up and rough times she displayed, ,she almost seemed like maybe she was younger, like mid twenties early thirties. 

"29 doll" 

"what?" 

"that look, i recognize it, you're determining my age, wondering if I'm a teenager under make up to get in or an elder trying to be younger; I'm 29, this is what drugs and the street can do to you, and i started with a rejection letter from an art college, came here and asked for Tonya's strongest drink..." 

"Oh, Sorry" What else could i say, this person was just laying everything on the line in front of me, i had no interest in her, her life or her story but i found myself drawn to her, i wanted to hear more despite not wanting to socialize. She was everything i wanted to avoid in my downfall and what Terrence was able to avoid for me - did she not have friends or family to help her through the down times? 

"Don't be doll, really, i chose this path and I'll live with the consequences and besides; now i don't gotta worry about being mugged and crap late at night, who'd want a washed up piece of trash like me anyway" 

"Marie! I told ya to stop talkin like that! You're a great person and if some asshole cant respect that he don't deserve ya. Here ya go love, that'll be $11.50" 

"put it on my Tab would ya doll? Kid looks like he needs a hard one" 

I nodded and said my thanks before lifting the small glass to my lips; the first thing i noticed is although the lights were dark, even they couldn't mask the dark colour of the liquid. It was almost a blackish blue, and thick, even upon smelling it i couldn't figure out any of what was in the drink. 

"Don't say i didn't warn ya" Marie winked before turning paying her tab to Tonya and leaving. I felt bad for her, knowing she was probably right about her safety given her current look but i couldn't help think of what Tonya had said; Marie was probably beautiful under everything, she cared about strangers obviously and being only late twenties she could probably easily turn her life around. I didn't really think to much longer after that as the same guy from the previous night walked up beside me; putting in an order for roughly seven drinks, he laughed at something Tonya said before winking at her and grabbing the tray she offered. He looked briefly at me, a smile playing across his lips, i watched as just the tip of his tongue came out wetting his lips as he turned and headed back, my eyes following ever step, without thinking a downed the concoction that Tonya had prepared for me hoping it would wet my suddenly dry mouth, i felt like i was sucking on some weird kind of cotton ball; dry, pasty, and chalky. 

"... names Sauli, ..... visiting ... on one in Finland ....." 

I turned groaning as my head swam trying to catch up; i didn't quite hear Tonya completely, but i knew she was talking to me, and i caught the major things or so i had thought. 

"uh huh" i nodded before shaking the now empty glass at her, the ice clinking against the edges caused me to groan again before holding up two fingers. 

"I dont think you need another one" I laughed before pushing the glass at her, 

"i dink, i pay, if iz pay, i getz what mez wantz" 

Sighing she took the glass from me, turning so her back was to me once more i turned trying to see pasted the various neon lights flashing inside the bar, really its a good thing no one had epilepsy or something with the way the stage lights flickered and the disco balls flashed. I felt a tap on my shoulder, looking i saw a fresh glass at my elbow i could feel my face stretch into a huge grin as i picked it up downing it again in one movement. As i put the glass on the counter i noticed a stand; most bars had those disgusting bowls of nuts that all these hands dug into - really rather unsanitary because really who knew what those hands last touched, were washed or whatever, and while i spotted one of those germ bowls near the end of the bar, the little wooden tower block held my attention. The reds, greens, yellows and purples shined as the lights reflected off them. 

"howz mootch?" I nodded my head, regretting it almost instantly as pains crossed behind my eyes while lights danced by. 

"You can have one on the house" 

"free?" i smiled up, reaching for a red one. I pulled off the clear plastic wrap shoving the sucker into my mouth, the fruit flavour assaulting my drunken senses. I vaguely recalled he - Sauli - had a sucker the first time i saw him in the club when that band was playing. I stood wobbling slightly before steadying myself and making my way across the floor, i laughed as a few strangers pushed up against me in the hopes i would stop and dance with them. But my eyes were glued on one tanned, muscled body, blonde hair slicked just so but looking soft and inviting enough for hands. 

I didn't realize that my thoughts were now actions, as a few people squealed around us and giggled i clued in that i was starring into bright ice blue eyes, and silky threads were shifting between my fingers. 

"Can i help you?" 

His voice was rich, deep and his accent made me want to melt. It sounded to my ears that he was possibly trying to hold back his laughter, seeing the humour in the situation of some random drunk guy walking up and grabbing his hair. I shook my head no realizing as rude as i was being i should at least acknowledge the poor guy. I smiled up at him, watching as he returned it, his lips parted to reveal pearl white teeth of perfection, i dropped one hand from his hair, grabbing the stick to the sucker. 

"I'm Azdom" I slurred licking my lips, his eyes quickly followed the trace of my tongue before he opened his mouth about to answer only i didn't let him, sticking the sucker i had previously been eating into his mouth i leaned in rubbing my lips up the side of his neck before whispering in his ear. I felt a shiver coarse through him and the chuckles and whispers from his friends around him had long since stopped - or i no longer paid them any mind. I kissed his cheek before winking at him, turning and going back to the bar i caught Tonya's eye, putting a 50 dollar bill on the counter, and flashed a smile at her before heading for the exit. I don't recall how far i got heading home, before a strong pair of arms were wrapped around me, one holding my waist, the other holding my arm around their neck, I don't know who the support came from, and i briefly remember a comment that poor girl; Modia? Nodia? Ah who cares - made about waking up in the bathroom covered in who knew what; i remember trying to break free, and get away but i don't remember if i did or if i even made it outside the club.


	7. First Steps

Groaning I rolled over before sitting up completely, i could smell something being cooked but as my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting in the room i realized a few things; first the smell was eggs, and something sweet, secondly the bed i lay in was a bit harder then my own, the walls of the room a gray tone over my pale blue and the bedding was a little too soothing against my body which i came to realize last was just about naked under said sheets.  
''Good, you`re awake''  
I turned facing the intruder, shock and wonder causing me to become speechless as i watched the movements of my morning guest - or host? Since it wasn`t my place of residence clearly. I must have looked stupid or something as he watched me, a smiling breaking across his face showing his perfect teeth. Shaking his head slightly he chuckled to himself before turning, looking back at me briefly.  
''Come, wash up and eat. You`ll feel better''  
I nodded, raising my hand to rest against my head hopping to stop the swishing it was doing from the simplest movements. Thinking back i tried to recall the previous night; the shower, the memory of him, and then the bar. I was warned against something but it was fuzzy. I sighed throwing my legs over the bed and locating my shorts from the previous night, i left my t-shirt thrown over the chair in the corner; he had obviously seen me shirtless before and the idea of squishing my head through a tight hole just didn`t right highly on my list.  
I followed the sound of running water out into a Large living room, easily twice the size of my tiny flat, it was open to a large kitchen that was polished, the chrome surfaces shining reflecting the light from the large bay window near the dinning room table.  
''Please sit, Water will help and there is an unopened bottle of Tylenol'' He nodded towards the table where a single plate sat with the items he mentioned.  
"why unopened?"  
"Oh bought it this morning so you'd know it was safe; nothing but Tylenol inside" I nodded again opening the bottle and emptying three capsules into my hand before taking them with the water. He walked over and emptied an omelette onto my plate before dropping a piece of toast and sausages; from the smell of them and the sweetness i was able to tell they were maple breakfast sausages.  
"Just cheese and Spinach in the egg"  
Sitting down i picked up the fork and started eating while he cleaned the kitchen, the smell had caused my stomach to growl and i reminded myself that it had been many hours since i last ate something solid. In the middle of the table sat a small plastic white stick, the end looked like it had been chewed slightly, looking closer i could tell it was a sucker stem, reaching up i touched my lips swallowing the bite of egg before looking at my host a little more clearly. Under the harsh florescence lights his hair was darker, his skin a bit more white than tan but his eyes still remained the shocking blue from the last two times i had spotted him in the club.  
"I'm sorry" Unsure what possessed me to apologize i looked back at the stick, picking it up and spinning it between my fingers. I didnt hear him move, but soon afterwords his hand was resting on mine covering both the piece of plastic and most of the hand that was holding it, his other hand came to rest on my face directing me to look up at him. How he was standing beside me the light from the bay window came in surrounding his head, haloing behind him and turning his hair a golden sheen. Worrying my bottom lip between my teeth i eyed the man in front of me, i had watched him from afar only twice but today he stood in front of me, no music, no neon lights, no crowds or drinks. Just him and I.  
"Name's Sauli, good to meet you" I smiled up at him as his accent washed over me removing the last of the sleep haze from me.  
"Adam" I raised my hand offering a shake. "Thank you, for your hospitality" He laughed a little shaking my hand before instructing me to finish my breakfast. As i finished i gathered the dishes, placing them in the sink running water over them so pieces of egg and cheese wouldnt stick.  
"So, Sauli, Where are you from?"  
"Finland, i come here to persue my tv series"  
"Oh nice, I moved here a while ago; hoping to preform, Do you like it so far?"  
Laughing Sauli nodded his head before informing me that he had been around for a few years now; but without much luck and was planning on possibly leaving back to Finland simply because there was nothing keeping him here yet. Before he had much chance to get into much detail on when he was leaving or the full reason behind it i found myself with my hands running though his hair, pulling at the nape just enough to tip his head back without causing much harm. My teeth scraped against his bottom lip as i sucked in between my lips, I dont know exactly what came over me but i had no desire to stop as i backed him up against the counter behind him, moaning as he deepened the kiss, his hands coming to rest upon my hips as i pushed them against him. After weeks of no physical contact i knew i was a little desperate, hell i knew i shouldnt be doing what i was. So far though, Sauli hadnt stopped me and that was enough encouragement in my books to keep going.


	8. Building

The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. After our initial kitchen introduction i had excused myself being totally embarrassed with my actions. Thanking him for the breakfast I returned home wondering if i should ever seek him out again. Three days went by before knocking at my door brought me back to reality, i had been running on auto pilot much like when he left me only this time it wasn't from hurt; it was from uncertainty, confusion, embarrassment. Opening the door i dropped the note pad i had been holding, they had informed me to write and be more attached to my music and that's what i was trying to do although i didn't have much a few scribbles a word here or there and mostly some small doodles.  
"Adam, its good to see you again" I smiled up at my visiter before kicking the paper pad aside and opening the door allowing Sauli to enter my home.   
"Please, come in, look I'm sorry..." I didn't get far in my apology before he was sticking a coffee cup under my nose and shaking his head. After accepting the coffee Sauli quickly looked around before turning back.   
"The first day, when you shared your lollipop, you invited me back here, whispered your address" His hand had come up, fingers tracing his ear as if recalling my drunken breath from that night ghosting against him. I nodded satisfied with his answer to my unasked question. I couldn't recall the first night well. One minute i was drinking at the bar, the next flirting with Sauli and then fighting against a stranger while trying to leave - only said stranger was now becoming one of my first local friends in the area, possibly more. I turned gesturing to the couches before setting the hot beverage he brought into a coster located at the center of my coffee table.   
I couldn't believe how cautious i was being; and the nerves were sending me into a worried frenzy, I could see him looking around the room his finger running along an end table which had a faint line of dust clearly visible beside a section of solid clean black wood. He smiled a little sadly before sitting, I could feel my breath hitch slightly as i watched his eyes come to rest on my face and his smile turned from that of his sad wondering to a full blown smile of happiness and joy. 

We spent that day talking, getting to know each others likes and dislikes and even got into the conversation of my rather abrupt introduction at the bar. It was a little hard explaining my reasoning without scaring him away, each word was carefully thought out and placed together in my mind before i said anything out loud. I could recall the look on his face when i had first shoved the sucker into his mouth; the shock, awe, wonder and unsurety of what i had done. Of course i wanted to make sure i didn't tell him that i was on the verge of possibly stalking the guy to find out more about him at the time. Probably for the best on that decision.

Days and weeks went by with Sauli stopping by randomly a couple mornings a week. Each time was always one filled with joy, laughter, hopes and dreams. We shared everything from happiness to sorrow but never anything physically. Despite how eager we had both latched on in his kitchen we focused more on getting to understand and know each other as best we could - which proved some difficulty at times with the language barrier Sauli possessed from his travels since his native tongue was that of Finnish; but our visits were always worth it. 

Over time a box in my closet grew, i didn't realize how much stuff i had owned of his or things that provided memories of him; and as much as i wasn't ashamed of him or my past for i would always have a small part of my heart touched only by him for years to come, i found myself letting go, I wanted to put that behind me in all ways; a small part of me perhaps was also hoping to hide it away from Sauli. I wanted a future with Sauli, the more times he showed up with coffee, bagels, sandwiches and other treats; sometimes home made, sometimes store bought i grew more attached to him and wanted him to see a bachelor flat not one taken by another man. Pictures, mugs, and other various accessories that i had once loved now grew dust in a small corner of my walk in closet; packed up in a rather large box. 

"You're place looks empty, has it always been so cold?" I smiled up at Sauli as we sat in our usual places within my living room, sipping the chai latte he had brought for me this time. 

"No, perhaps not this empty, i have been... Lets just say letting go.... Of some clutter" 

"I see" I sipped at my tea once more smiling as i watched the wrinkles fade from Sauli's forehead now that his right eyebrow wasn't raised in wonder. It had been months now since we had last physically touched in any way; not even a handshake was shared between us. I think we had both realized that at the simplist touch we might both just give into our desperation for human contact - male human contact. 

"Hey, instead of bringing me coffee; can i take you out for coffee? There's this cute uh, quant little cafe around the corner with some excellent choices." 

"Mr. Adam Lambert, Are you asking me for a date?" I wasn't sure if i was blushing but i could feel my body temperature rise and my heart beat quicken slightly, missing a few beats. 

"Yes, well no, not exactly.... I just... Uh take it how you want."

"I'd love to; I'll come at eight?" Smiling at him i finished the last of my drink before it was too cold. We quickly said our goodbyes standing on either side of the coffee table in the center of the room doing so as we usually always did, it was our protection from getting too close, moving to fast or doing something we might regret. I had mentioned to him during his second or third visit about how my ex had recently left me, a single box filled with items that he had once possessed which had come from me at one point or other, this box now sat full of other items along side the box of pictures i had stored away. The two hidden behind boxes of items i had never yet unpacked and probably never would since i had first moved into my flat many years before and saw no reason to unpack them yet.

"Tomorrow" I smiled before moving towards the door 

"Tomorrow" he responded, leaning in and kissing me quickly upon my cheek before turning and leaving. I stood, my hand resting where his lips had softly touched my flesh before closing the door behind Sauli who had now disappeared from sight having not looked back once. Had he i don't think i would have stayed in my spot in the door way. Looking at the clock in the living room i was surprised to see that his visit had been shorter this time then others and that i had exactly 17 hours and 23 minutes before i would be back in his presence. 

I headed into my spare room sitting at the desk in the corner of the room, picking up the small remote from the edge of the desk i powered up my five disk cd player; i was still too poor to afford buying an iPod; its not that i couldn't afford it so much as i wouldn't have the same peace of mind after spending the couple hundred on the small plastic music device when i would need food and i had a perfectly well working cd player. Turning i powered up my small laptop opening a word document. 

I had spent hours sitting, staring at the computer screen, in all that time i had managed to conjure just a few words pieced together. 

"I saw a picture of you, outside the rains pouring down, theres not a drop that hits me, I'm not asleep but I'm not awake, I'm sleepwalking" 

It wasn't really a master piece by any means and try as hard as i might i couldn't figure what else to put. It was just broken, a story that was wanting to be told but i didn't want to reach out to it. How could i, i was finally starting a new budding relationship with an amazing man and when i sit to write and tap my 'unearthed potential through emotions' all i can think of is how i felt lost, unsure, alone, sleepwalking. Sighing i closed the laptop not even bothering to save - it wasn't anything to save anyway before stripping and heading for the shower, tomorrow would be a long day and i wanted a fresh start. 

Sauli arrived first thing as promised bringing morning along with him a good thirty minutes early.

"I thought you said eight" I grumbled still half asleep as i moved letting him enter my livingroom. I yawned closing the door before signaling for him to take a seat as i turned going back down the hallway into my bedroom glad that i had thought to set my alarm for seven this morning. I had hoped i would have the hour to wake up but it turns out Sauli is an early riser, that or very eager for the day to begin. I pulled out my newest leopard print shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans, nothing fancy - it was just a coffee shop after all - before brushing and styling my hair using far to much hair gel then is probably healthy. Looking over myself one last time in the full length mirror i kept hidden inside my closet i smiled, winking at myself before heading to the living room. 

Sauli hadn't listened, he had come in and made himself at home as he usually did - so much so that he actually had made breakfast, a light one of just a few pancakes since we were going to a cafe in a few minutes. 

"You looked like you needed some energy" He smiled gesturing to the dinning table and a chair he had pulled out. I sat as he placed two in front of me, kissing my forehead briefly before clearing his throat and heading to clean the kitchen of the mess he produced while cooking. Chef or not the guy could cook and i couldn't help but find myself thinking in the long run how i could easily wake up each morning with Sauli working away in the kitchen, return home after a long night in the studio to him smelling of herbs and spices, a little on his cheeks and mix into his hair but mostly covering an apron and perhaps not much else, the tan Finnish skin just contrasting nicely against the fabric hiding the well toned chest and other more important muscles. 

Coming from my fantasy i could feel my cheeks heated slightly as i opened my eyes taking the fork from my mouth as icy blue eyes watched intently. Swallowing i nodded to his unspoken question of how it was, heaven knew i would not be telling him about my rather interesting day dream; wanting him, living with me, cooking for me, the nude housewife in the kitchen dream - yeah wasn't going to be mentioned in the slightest. I quickly finished the rest of my meal uninterrupted of dreams and wishes drinking down the orange juice Sauli had placed in front of me after my little embarrassing display, despite not saying anything he seemed to have understood me and accepted my nod of approval. 

"Come, let us do breakfast as we were supposed to" I smiled heading for the door and holding my hand out to him, i didn't exactly expect him to take my hand in the slightest so when i turned to open the door and felt his hand grip mine before standing next to me i smiled to myself shocked before refocusing and pulling the door open, a small part of me realized he had cleaned up my plate off the table but didn't do the dishes or anything else like he did previously at his place that night i woke up there it seemed like only yesterday that had happened but reality and knowledge reminded me it had been months since then. We had never progressed or actually announced our relationship to each other but it was almost like we didn't have to. Our communication was slightly broken and skewed but we understood and accepted each other regardless of all that. 

Closing the door behind us and quickly locking it i held his hand a little tighter almost afraid that now that we were in public he might pull away, i couldn't help the smile as he squeezed back turning and smiling his eyes lighting up as dimples formed just slightly. Letting go of his hand, leaning in i kissed him, nothing heated like in his kitchen, but one of the first kisses we had done since then, my hands held either side of his neck. Resting my forehead against his i waited urging my breath the calm, something about Sauli just caused me to accelerate, i found i could hyperventilate just from breathing in his scent, being near to him, and watching his eyes go from closed to open, the iciness gone replaced by a slightly darker stormy blue. His long lashes slowly fluttering against his cheeks as a slight flush came about them from the shock or the feelings within the kiss i may never know perhaps it was from embarrassment but suddenly i felt like i had found my light, my way, i had known before i wanted him, but with each passing minute with him i realized more and more that it wasn't the relationship i wanted, the contact - no it was him. I wanted Sauli! I wanted to show him off as mine, i wanted him to cook for me, for him to be there, to heal me, love me and just be. 

"Stay with me" 

The words had escaped so suddenly, if he was shocked he didn't how it. 

"Sorry?"

"Live with me, stay with me, I'm not asking for marriage or love just say you'll be with me" 

"Are being with someone and love not the same? I had believed to love someone was to be with them, am i perhaps wrong in this understanding" 

'No, it .... Yeah, if one loves someone they stay with them, belong and be with them. But i uh" 

"I don't understand, but i wish to be with you too Adam. Perhaps love is to strong and early a word but drawn and want to wards you i do feel." 

Sighing i quickly leaned in kissing him again, a weight had lifted from my shoulders after the unprepared outburst and what seemed to be his acceptance of it. It was such a random and strange thing for anyone especially from myself hat it would have scared anyone away; course most people were afraid of commitment now-a-days - myself included - that i had stunned myself in the verbal diarrhea i had just had. I couldn't explain just relieved i was when it appeared like he was going to be one of those special people that would defy the 'normal' persons reactions to situations. 

He returned my smile before reaching up, encasing my hand within is own and turning he pulled on my hand dragging me behind him, clearly he figured we had wasted enough time and was ready to check out the cafe that i had previously invited him to. Today was supposed to be breakfast on me, and i was excited to share something with him. I picked up my pace to walk along side him as we neared the doors leading outside, 

"Its just around the corner here to the left" I pulled him slightly towards the correct way to go before stopping in front of the building, my eyes quickly scanned the dinning area and stopped resting upon the guy from the last time i had been there with Terrance, a small part of me wanted to take him elsewhere pretend this wasnt the place, but when the server looked up and caught my eye smiling and waving i knew i wouldnt have that option, 

"friend of yours?" 

"Uh no, not exactly, he was my server the last time i was here with another friend. He probably just remembered me"   
"Oh, Ok" He sounded slightly worried but a little bit relieved. Leaning against him i pulled him closer to me before heading for the door holding it open allowing him to walk in first. There was no turning back at this point, Inhaling deeply i turned following Sauli into the cafe allowing him to lead us to a table.


	9. Hold On

It wasn't long before my porcelain god was at our table, smiling up at him i ordered my usual before turning my gaze to Sauli. He was watching me closely i noticed, quickly turning my gaze to the menu i heard him sigh before ordering something for himself. 

"So am i gunna need to fight for your attention?"   
I looked up at him placing the menu down   
"Sorry?"  
"Well clearly this guy is more then just some waiter" he raised an eyebrow at me his accent thick with what was most probably Jealousy. I didn't have a chance to say anything more before he returned with our drinks smiling down at us both, I nodded keeping my gaze on Sauli, trying to let him know i only had eyes for him. Sauli smiled back to the Waiter. 

 

"Kiitos Tommy" 

 

I raised my brows at him, I'd heard him say that word a few times, given the situation i had an idea what it meant but it never failed to make my heart flutter when i would listen to him talk his native language. 

 

"Are you gentleman ready to order?" I quickly looked up at Tommy, being reminded that he was still present. 

 

"Sauli?" i turned back to Sauli before he got the wrong idea once more smiling at him. 

"French Toast looks good" 

"I'll have the Same" I quickly responded watching as Sauli turned to look at me.

"You don't want something different?" 

"No French Toast sounds good" 

 

I saw Tommy nod his head slightly before picking up the menus from in front of us. He must have picked up on the tense atmosphere as he knocked my glass over with one of the menu's that had slipped from his hand.

 

"So Sorry" He set down the items he was holding, grabbing a napkin from his pant pocket and dabbing at the spilt water which had quicly worked its way and dripped off the edge of the table, some spilling onto myself, most onto the plush carpeting. I couldnt help chuckling a little at the whispered shit that came out of Tommy's mouth before he bit the edge of his lip watching the water soak into my pant leg. The look on Sauli's face of complete unapproval helped sober me up and i grabbed my napkin pressing it into the wet spot. 

 

"No worries, can i get another glass?" sighing quickly, he nodded and left oliviating some of Sauli's irritation once he was out of sight. "Relax Sauli, really hes just a waiter, its you sitting across from me" I smiled over at Sauli resting my hand on his which had a deathlike grip on his glass, my thumb rubbing over his white knuckles i could feel the tention slowly leaving him before giving me a shy smile, his blue eyes shining brightly. We had avoid most contact, trying to keep it to a minimum but i couldnt help reaching out and grabbing his hand. Releasing it i raised from my chair slightly bringing my hand to the side of his neck, fingers playing with the little hairs at the nape before pulling his head forward enough to bring it into easy kissing range. I touched my lips lightly to his, a slight moan leaving the back of my throat as he gasped slightly from my nipping lightly on the bottom lip. 

 

Startled i pulled back, sitting in my seat at the sound of someone clearing their throat. Tommy stood at the table a fresh cup of cold water in his hand and cheeks slightly flushed as he rested his eyes on the table clearly unsure of where to look. 

 

"uh, your uh food will be ready shortly, heres your refill" he nodded slightly before quickly turning and leaving. I peaked over at sauli his eyes flashing with lust and desire, and perhaps maybe a little of the other L word but the rest of the time he didnt seem to show even a hit of uncertainty. Perhaps being Kissed infront of Tommy was enough of a "see im yours not his" that my words werent originally getting across to him. The rest of the breakfast went without much incident, finishing up Tommy quickly brought the bill before shifting his eyes to another table, excusing himself he quickly walked away. 

 

"odd..." Sauli looked up from the receipt which he had grabbed without my noticing it. I hadnt realized i had said anything outloud and quickly just shook my head. "i just meant that its odd for him to assume on bill" Sauli smiled slightly before nodding. He put a $50 bill in the leather case before standing up and reaching over to me. I stood grabbing my coat from the back of my chair before i stepped into his outstretched arm as he rested his hand on my hip we walked towards the front door. I glanced by slightly only to see Tommy was watching us leaving, looking forward i gave Sauli a quick peck on the cheek before stepping out from his warmth and pushing the door open. 

 

"Lets take a walk, theres a park near here" Nodding in agreeance to Sauli I fell in line with his steps and linked my hand in his. Somehow despite our long time of barely touching i couldnt seem to stop touching him now. Like a spell had suddenly been broken and i was finally allowed to hold on.


End file.
